i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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