I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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