I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
