he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
