I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
