My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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