I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
