I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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