I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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