New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
