I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
