While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
