Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize