i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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