Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
