my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
