So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
