I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize