I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
