Please, let me fuck your mom
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize