I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
