So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
