i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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