If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
