Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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