He asked to "fluff my boner.."
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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