May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How does one acquire holy water?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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