I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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