Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
