I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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