Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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