i permit you to call me
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
