he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
