hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm too high and old for this...
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
