I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
