Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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