my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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