Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
