just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
is wine microwaveable?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
