Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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