I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
