My hand turned me down
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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