he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
