im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
