FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize