the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
