dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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