Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
