I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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