Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
