I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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