At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
