I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
