Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
