someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize