Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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