Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
