yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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