and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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