I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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