You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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