My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
