we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Randomize
