So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
