Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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