ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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