How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
