i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
